"We Don't Answer to You, and That's Final"
This satirical website was created by Russ Brittian purely for laughs and as a creative outlet to cope with the sometimes frustrating aspects of bureaucracy we all encounter.
I want to sincerely thank the dedicated staff at Perry Point VA Medical Center for their tireless commitment and everything they do to care for the veterans under their charge. Your service to those who served is deeply appreciated, and this satire is in no way a reflection of the genuine care and hard work you provide every day. Thank you for your dedication to our veterans.
While this page is all in good fun, my commitment to veterans is very real. I'm developing Recovery Connect, an app designed to support veterans and others facing addiction, homelessness, and mental health challenges.
The Perry Point VA Medical Center is committed to maintaining the highest standards of bureaucratic opacity, systematic non-responsiveness, and institutional indifference. We strive to ensure that every veteran inquiry is met with an appropriate level of deflection, referral to another department, or strategic silence.
Our core values include:
A: That's above your pay grade, veteran. Please allow 6-8 weeks for us to route your question to the appropriate department, which will then request that you resubmit your inquiry in triplicate.
A: Everyone you need to speak to is currently in a meeting, at a conference, on leave, or has just stepped away from their desk. Indefinitely.
A: We have a strict policy of reviewing all correspondence thoroughly before responding. Current review timeline: 2-3 fiscal years. Your patience is not appreciated but is expected.
A: Accountability is a complex matter governed by VA Directive 2024-1138.4(b). We recommend consulting the 847-page implementation manual available by FOIA request (processing time: 18-24 months).
A: Please see our Patient Bill of Limitations below. TL;DR: Very few, and those are subject to change without notice.
A: Absolutely! Complaints can be filed Monday-Friday, 10:00-10:15 AM, excluding federal holidays, training days, and days ending in 'Y'. Please note: all complaints are immediately filed in the appropriate receptacle (trash bin).
*All rights subject to administrative convenience and staff availability
By seeking care at Perry Point VA Medical Center, you acknowledge that accountability is a myth, transparency is overrated, and your frustration is our mission accomplishment.
Meet the dedicated professionals committed to maintaining our culture of non-responsiveness
Chief Non-Response Officer
30 years of experience in not returning phone calls. Holds advanced degrees in Deflection Studies and Strategic Ambiguity. Certified in Advanced Excuse Generation.
Director of Deflection Services
Decorated military career followed by two decades of civilian stonewalling. Author of "101 Ways to Say 'That's Not My Department.'" Current record: 47 consecutive days without answering a direct question.
VP of Circular Reasoning
Expert in creating endless loops of referrals. Pioneered the "Department A sends you to Department B who sends you back to Department A" protocol. Motto: "I'll have to get back to you on that" (she won't).
Chief of Perpetual Training
Ensures all staff are in meetings, at conferences, or on mandatory training during all business hours. Has never been seen at his desk. Some say he doesn't exist.
1-800-HOLD-4EVR
Average wait time: 4 hours. 87% of calls are disconnected before being answered. The remaining 13% are transferred to a fax machine.
Monday-Friday: Closed for Training
Weekends: Closed
Federal Holidays: Closed
Days Ending in 'Y': Closed for Morale Building
unmonitored@perrypoint.va.gov
This inbox is checked quarterly, maybe. Responses are auto-deleted by our spam filter. For urgent matters, please send a carrier pigeon.
Stay informed about our latest achievements in bureaucratic excellence
November 15, 2025
In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, Perry Point VA Medical Center has set a new facility record by responding to an urgent patient medical inquiry in just 47 days. "We're really proud of this achievement," said Chief Non-Response Officer Dr. Patricia Evasion. "Usually we don't respond at all, so 47 days represents a quantum leap forward in our communication strategy."
October 28, 2025
Effective immediately, patient complaints must be submitted in triplicate using Form VA-9987-C (Request to File Complaint Form), which requires approval via Form VA-9987-B (Permission to Request Form). Once approved and submitted, all complaints will be processed according to our new streamlined protocol: immediate disposal. "This represents a significant improvement," noted Director of Deflection Col. Bureaucrat. "Previously, we pretended to read them first."
October 12, 2025
Perry Point staff participated in a mandatory 8-hour training session on cutting-edge excuse generation techniques. Highlights included workshops on "Creative Uses of 'System Downtime,'" "Blaming Other Departments: A Masterclass," and "The Art of the Non-Committal Response." The facility will be closed for the next three weeks as staff practice their newly acquired skills.
September 30, 2025
Building on decades of communication avoidance, Perry Point has formalized its approach with the new "Don't Ask, Won't Tell" healthcare initiative. "We've always operated this way informally," explained VP of Circular Reasoning Sandra Runaround, "but now it's official policy. Veterans are encouraged not to ask questions, and we promise we definitely won't tell them anything useful."
September 8, 2025
In a move surprising no one, Perry Point's Office of Accountability has been permanently closed due to a complete absence of accountability. "We tried to find someone responsible for oversight, but everyone kept pointing to someone else," said Chief Unavailable Harold Meeting. "Eventually we just gave up. The office will be converted into additional storage space for unfiled paperwork."
August 22, 2025
Perry Point has upgraded its phone system to include 97 different automated transfer options, ensuring that no caller will ever speak to an actual person. "We've eliminated the inefficiency of human interaction," announced Dr. Evasion proudly. "Now veterans can be endlessly transferred between recorded messages without the risk of accidentally receiving assistance."